if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
