My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
