Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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