i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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