What did we do last night that was yellow?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
