she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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