We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
