life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
