god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
