There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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