Yo dont text me then not text me
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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