I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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