its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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