she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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