im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
