9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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