I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
