I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
