five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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