Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
