I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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