I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
