i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
