Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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