Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fuck appropriateness.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
