he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
