You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
