worst night to have a conscience
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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