You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
