dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
