We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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