I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
