Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
