im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
