He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
