P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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