I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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