I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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