he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
