i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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