the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
