seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
