I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
