something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
