My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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