I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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