The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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