So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
