Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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