I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
