life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
