my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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