you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
