sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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