They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
