I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
