I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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