If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
