i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
